GUEST BLOGGER: Accepting Help: The Most Important Lesson I Learned From My Invisible, Chronic Illness
“Can I bring you dinner?”
“No, thanks.”
“Can I drive you to your doctor’s appointment?”
“No, I can manage.”
“Can I come visit you to cheer you up?”
“No, not today.”
Many of us are quite reluctant to accept help – even when we desperately need it – when we have a chronic illness.
“Why Is It Hard To Be Helped?”
There are many reasons including:
- We try to be stoic.
- We’re more comfortable as helpers, but not the ones being helped.
- We’re afraid that others will pity us or see us as weak.
- We’re afraid that we’ll be a burden.
- We think we should be stronger.
- We feel guilty we need help.
Do you see yourself in any of these excuses?
When I was out of work for 6 months and, in a sense, a full-time patient, I know I was resistant to accept support. However a friend from my religious community finally overlooked my protests, and one evening just brought be some “leftover” soup. This gesture helped me start on the path of accepting assistance from others.
Looking back, this change was probably the most important lesson I learned from my pain disorder, my chronic, invisible illness.
“Why Accepting Help Is Important”
Accepting help has many important benefits including:
1. It decreases your isolation and lets you become more a part of your support community, whether that’s your family, friends, or religious community.
2. You get concrete help – such as food, cleaning, or driving – that lets you save energy for other crucial activities, such as time with your family and friends, doing exercises which will help you heal, and enjoying activities which lift your mood.
3. You allow others to help you, which lets them feel useful and like they’re contributing to your wellbeing. One member of my religious community who cooked dinner for us told me that helping out was the only way she stayed connected to our church, as she usually couldn’t attend services. She thanked me for giving her an opportunity to help. During my illness, a wise person told me that for some to have the chance to help, there has to be others willing to be helped. It has to be a circle of support; it doesn’t work if there are only helpers.
4. We learn humility, that we need to and can rely on others, and can’t do it all ourselves.
While I can’t say I’m thankful for my illness, I do feel I grew both as a person and spiritually because of it. Learning to accept help from others was a silver lining of my ordeal, and one I’m grateful for.
Are you able to accept help or is it a challenge for you? Please share your thoughts in the comments!
National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week is a chance to share how to cope with an invisible, chronic illness and live fully despite its challenges.
How to Cope with Pain.org is hosted by a psychiatrist who specializes in pain management. Although now mostly healed, she has also experienced Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS/RSD), a chronic pain disorder. “How to Cope with Pain.org” strives to help people cope with pain and live fully despite pain.
It’s VERY difficult to accept help, but it’s a learned
behavior. The more I accept help, the easier
it will become for me. I struggle because of
an experience at our former church. During a year
of multiple spinal surgeries, meals were brought
to our home, childcare given & we asked for
much prayer. When I didn’t heal well from my
second surgery that year, the church dropped us.
They stated we asked for too much prayer, meals, etc
and there was no other way they could help us.
We were devastated, rejected, etc. Now at our
new church, it is hard to accept help for fear
the same thing could happen. It makes it so
hard to reach out for help, or accept it. I do
pray that God would put people in place to help
when I need it most. In the end, my hubby & I
have managed by ourselves for so many years, we
are a well-oiled machine during difficult times.
But yes, it’s important for all of us to
learn to accept help when we need/desire it.
It will bless the giver & receiver!
Kelley Hornberger
September 5, 2008
If you have been brought up by stoic parents who never received and always gave, you see yourself automatically in the giver position. When chronic illness and disability takes away that role, it can be very devastating.
When I became disabled in my 30s, I could barely cope with my changing role. I still had to be a single mother and the bread-earner, but I needed so much help and didn’t even know the vocabulary to ask for it! I went through a short round a therapy where I learned to accept myself in my new life pattern and that it was not a crime or a shame or selfishness to take if/when you really needed it. It took more that a year to accept myself and start the transformation from stoic, miserable sick person to interdependent woman with disabilities.
I also have to say that the churches I formerly attended were not receptive to chronically ill individuals. I am part of a disability group at my new church which is reaching out to families who struggle with disabilities, so that they can no longer feel marginalized. I hope across the country during Invisible Illness Week, other religious leaders and congregations can learn new skills and language to address this issue.
Judith
Judith
September 5, 2008
Judith and the 1st commenter,
Thanks for your thoughts. It’s helpful to hear other people’s stories about accepting help.
Judith, as a physician myself, I was certainly more comfortable with the helper role. It was a difficult – but necessary – transition.
How to Cope with Pain
How to Cope with Pain
September 5, 2008
Thank you so much for this much needed post. I too have felt uncomfortable asking for help. After all, as a pastor’s wife I am suppose to be the one to help, not the other way around. I have learned that my church WANTS to help me, not out of obligation, but because they love me. So I no longer say ‘no’, I accept the help with a humble and greatful heart.
Michele Williams
September 5, 2008
Thank you for your blog about how to ask for help- I still struggle with this and I know that if I did reach out more it would end a lot of the isolation I feel having to deal with Cardiomyopathy and Fibromyalgia. I really appreciate the encouragement to open up to my friends and family- hopefully this is something that I can do more of in the future.
Erika
September 5, 2008
During my illness, a friend who also has an illness said someone suggested to him that – for 1 day – he accept all offers of help. Opening the door, carrying groceries to his car, etc. This would eliminate the should-I? shouldn’t-I debate. For him, it was a spiritual challenge that he offer himself so others could have the blessing of being helpful. Anyone up for trying that?
How to Cope with Pain
September 6, 2008
When I was first disabled…I definately needed help, but pride was my middle name…and fought help from others. Finally, my spiritual mentor told me that I was robbing someone of a blessing by refusing their help. Was that pretty sobering or what? Ever since that was spoken to me, I have no problem accepting help:)
Lori Laws
September 10, 2008
I was a caregiver for many years before I was struck down with my illnesses. So, when it became time for me to seek help, I didn’t want to ask for it. I felt useless and damaged. I lost so many friends because they didn’t understand or what to, that it became difficult for me to trust. However, I am blessed with a wonderful husband who tries to understand and does anything that I need help with.
Annie Gourieux
September 10, 2008
Thanks for your story, Lori. And Annie, are you more able to accept help from others now?
How to Cope with Pain
September 10, 2008
[...] I was invited to write an article for National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week. Here it is – a personal story about learning to accept help. [...]
Learning To Accept Help | How To Cope With Pain Blog
September 12, 2008
I have been going through the roller coaster of invisible illness for a long time now, so at this point I can accept help. However, when I first got ill, and for years afterward it was very hard to do. I learned through accepting the help, that just as the article points out, not only did I benefit, but so did the person who helped me. I also learned that I wasn’t weak for needing help.
I would like to point out that a lot of people are at a loss as to HOW to help us, so we need to be as specific as possible when we ask for help. We also have to be able to understand and be gracious when someone says no and be able to move on to the next person without feeling hurt or angry.
Invisible Illness Awareness Week was a HUGE blessing for me. I learned (and am still learning) so much from each speaker and all the people who commented. I have met some wonderful people and feel like I connected with a terrific community of people who not only “get it”, but are trying to live fully and fulfilling lives despite their illnesses. That is inspiring and uplifting!
Thanks to everyone who had a part in planning, speaking, commenting, praying for or being involved in any way.
Maureen
http://Beingchronicallyillisapill.blogspot.com
Maureen
September 16, 2008